Linked Connections

You were here not so long ago.
Knocking on my door on a humid rainy season.
You came at a perfect moment and brought warmth inside your suitcase.
You said you love the rain, so I took you outside.
Made you caught a cold after we rode the bicycle under the heavy rain.
That was the first time I have seen you playing with the rain, with your wet shirts that pressed and formed your body, and raindrops on your detail eyelash.

I got rid of all exhaustion and took you to the airport to leave me.
We sat there for hours.
There was no entertainment, except our conversations and the look on your melancholy eyes.
You didn't like it when I always say "I don't know" because you wanted me to be sure and believe at myself. Say anything but an empty words. Empty and ignorant as "I don't know"

There was no goodbye kiss because we both know that would have been hurt so much instead.
There were no promises cause nobody could guaranteed to made the promise.
I was so hollow.
This was a magic happened.
But Happened too fast.
Now we're back to sending pictures and our favorite kind of musics.
Kissing through letters and sentences.
Laughing together in a 10 inch monitor,
or none of them. Anymore.

We have one sun together.
With one side carrying my smile and the other side carving your voice.
We have one earth together, waiting to be stepped on by our foot - again.
Side by side.
We are not separated.

It's like I am not ready to grow old and face the truth.
Everyone choose a simple life, while I choose a complicated life.
Because that is the only thing to feel alive.

Panggilan

Langitku berbisik bergemuruh

Saat semua masih gelap

Hanya yang terpilih yang menjawab

Hanya yang diberi hidayah yang bangkit

Ada yang berjalan melawan dingin malam

Beberapa berlari menghindari yahudi

Ada yang ditemani tasbih,berjalan tenang

Disana ditemani obor,berjalan hati-hati

Tapi mereka ditemani senjata api,atau ketakutan bisa mati

Dia bersuara,dan terus berjalan semakin ke timur

Langitmu tidak akan pernah bisu

Siapa dibaliknya?

Label pertama malam takbir

Kembali lagi ke Jakarta. Kembali lagi ke mayoritas muslim secara general menjadi lebih mudah dalam menjalankan ibadah puasa. Apalagi setelah hampir tiga bulan kembali dari San Francisco, belum mendapat pekerjaan tetap, jadi lebih banyak dirumah dengan minim aktivitas. Tidak perlu pusing-pusing mikir menu berbuka dan sahur, karena semua sudah tersedia. Bisa sholat tarawih dan ngaji lebih banyak dari tahun kemarin.

Tapi ada hal-hal istimewa yang kurang: Eksklusifitas muslim di negeri non muslim. Perasaan besar dan bangga menjadi muslim. Saat orang-orang terpukau dengan "how can you don't eat anything?" "I can't do that" atau rasa penghormatan yang sebenarnya ketika kami berkumpul di restoran untuk makan siang dan "Mahdy, order anything for you to eat it during the night." atau ketika menjalankan aktivitas volunteer ketika "Who's fasting? You? Here have more, take as much as you want."

Ada rasa kemenangan yang sebenarnya ketika Maghrib tiba pukul 8:30 sore dan badan masih bisa berdiri tegak walau hanya dengan beberapa teguk air putih (no tea) di tengah aktivitas yang tidak dibuat untuk orang yang berpuasa, tapi tidak ada masalah.

Ada ketenangan ketika langit malam takbir tidak diramaikan oleh kembang api dan petasan, tapi bintang dan awan malam. Tanpa takbir berkumandang dari luar yang sering dijadikan perwakilan untuk tidak perlu lagi bertakbir. Tapi disana takbir langsung berkumandang dari mulut, dan langit yang kemudian diwakilkan.

Tapi tetap ada amalan-amalan di bulan puasa yang tidak bisa dipenuhi semua.

Kemudian sekarang hanya ada doa, semoga bisa diberi kesempatan lagi untuk bertakbir mewakili langit dibelahan dunia lain. Mewakili minoritas karena itu hebat.

after capital

c'mon wake up san francisco
wake up city
i wanna keep talking to you
and fall in love
in a dangerous way
the love that i love
the eye that reaches in
every inch of my subconsciousness
can you sing in our way to my favorite place
to your night sky
where every night is full moon
then listen to your talking and laughing at dinner time
i wish there is a kiss after that
in soft and gentle
until you break in particles
or me
as i suddenly be here
you're just a dream

Untuk Kita

Biarkan dia nanti tumbuh liar
Bersama hutan buatan dengan akar kekar
Menyanyi dari lagu hujan dan halilintar
Berputar bersama warna hipnotis bergaris malam kelam
Tempat tidurnya rasa kuda yang siap berlari mengejar imajinasi mimpi
Dari belahan bumi dan alam khayal bidadari
Bahkan sang ibu sangat merindukan insting keibuan yang tak kuasa lagi ditahan
Saat sang anak tak butuh kehangatan
Karena dia tumbuh liar dari asuhan alam dan kekerasan
Tapi selalu bermimpi dia
Mimpi bidadari yang selalu memberinya makan
Dan tidur di atas tumpukan kehalusan
Di bawah rumah idaman
Biarkan dia tumbuh liar

When Sadness Comes

As Dr. Rahman said sounds like this: "You might encounter ups and downs feeling during your time here."
The down feeling will appear when you feel afraid to go back home. I had that feeling several times since I've been here. San Francisco has been given me too much memories, from the first breeze that I felt in July 2nd 2012 when the first time I landed my foot in the totally unfamiliar place, with no single person whom I know; Until the best laugh and smile that I have never did for a long time. Right now, I'm afraid to come home.

I'm afraid that I will change so much, and people could not recognize me anymore.
I'm afraid that my family would be like "This is what you become since you come from the US!"
I'm afraid to meet my friends. I don't know why.
I'm afraid to lose control, either in a good way or in a bad way.
I'm afraid that they're gonna label me with high expectation.
I'm afraid of what I will become.
I'm afraid to leave everything here.
I'm afraid to leave everyone here.
I'm afraid to leave them.
I'm afraid to leave you.
"How can you feel like a stranger in your own country? Your own city?" Paul said

God is Almighty, so He creates a big heart in all of us. And don't forget He also creates time that could heal everything. If you are able to adjust the life here, then you are definitely able to re-adjust your life in your own country. Turn your fear above into a challenge.

I want to change so much, and people probably won't understand and recognize me anymore. But that doesn't matter. Focus on myself, not other people's perspective.
I want my family be like "This is what you become since you come from the US!" And I'll also be like "Yes. I don't force you to understand, and I understand that."
I want to meet my friends so much and I don't know why.
I want to lose control, either in a good way or in a bad way.
I want them to label me with high expectation, because it would trigger me to do more, to give more.
I know what I will become. I'll become a great man.
I know that I'm gonna leave everything here.
I know that I'm gonna leave everyone here.
I know that I'm gonna leave them.
I know that I'm gonna leave you. But I will definitely come back if destiny calls. I know maybe we're not going to meet each other anymore, but you will always be in my heart. To love is to let go. This is my journey of life. My friend Allison Myers said that she found her life in the age of 40. In life, you must be keep on searching. Never stop. This 11 months has opened my eyes to the world.

So now wipe your tears and look outside. The world is big and waiting for you to conquer it. Stop the down feeling. Let go... Let go... and you will find your face turns into a big smile.


For My friends

Freckles Girl

There she goes
With a paper bag that looks like a Prada
Covered by the fallen leaves
With the most beautiful freckles in the face
So well organized like a galaxy in space
Throw a shy laugh that hides behind red hair
Flightless angel whose going somewhere
Maybe just want to feed the pigeons by the bay
Or pick flowers that grow wild on the railway